Far Wars- The Phantom Dentist
by Latinpro
Summary: Fluke Flyswatter and his motley crew of Revolutionites are determined to stop the villain Barf Tater from ruling the universe!


"Far Wars: The Phantom Dentist- The Very Special Edition"

DISCLAIMER: The following spoof has been modified from its original format.

Not so long ago in a fairly close galaxy…

It is a time of fear. The PHANTOM DENTIST, BARF TATER, lurks in the shadows of the galaxy in his fearsome creation THE DENTURE STAR while PRINCESS DAISA and her brother FLUKE FLYSWATTER, along with an outlaw named HANNISON (HAN) SINGLE, and his co-pilot CRUNCHACA patrol the streets looking for Tater. 

The Streets of the Capital City, Coruscate 

Fluke: Daisa, who is this guy who just keeps following us around? Could we get a little privacy? I mean, we just found out we're related. I need to know stuff a brother should know, like your real age, weight, and natural hair color.

Daisa: You're right, Fluke. (Turns to Han) Who are you anyway?

Han: Hey kids, don't get bent out of shape! I'm Single! (Pauses and smirks) Hey, that works on two levels! Han Single, at your service.

Daisa: (Peering around Han) What's that behind you? Some kind of walking rug? 

Han: Hey, easy there, Princess! That is a Bookie…sorry. (Han smacks his forehead in self-reproach.) That's my other assistant, Mando Fissian. Now, say hello Mando, and go back to Smog Suburb or whatever you call it and wait for the second instillation of the series.

Mando: Hello, m'lady! And to you young sirrrrrrrrr! (Han tosses Mando off scene.)

Han: Where were we? Oh yeah. Behind me here is Crunchaca, or Crunchie. He is a Dookie. Now, don't joke about that with him. He's known to rip off extremities.

Mando: (From off-scene) Han, I've got a bruise the size of Coruscate! You'll be very sorry for this!

Han: Ooops. 

Daisa: _Uh-huh._ Anyway, would you hang back a bit? Fluke and I wanted to talk to those old SETI Masters up ahead, Adobe-Tan "Hasben" Imobit and Coda.

Fluke: (Running to catch up with Adobe-Tan) Hasben! Hasben! Wait up!

Hasben: What, young Fluke? You should be looking for Tater.

Coda: See you, Adobe-Tan? Rash is this Flyswatter!

Fluke: Master Coda, I don't mean to be rude, but can you…_talk forwards_? 

Coda: (Glowering and muttering) Disrespectful are these teenagers.

Hasben: No matter. Coda and I must go, Fluke.

Fluke: But why, Hasben?

Hasben: Coda and I are late for karaoke, Fluke. See you in Vegas.

Fluke: Let me go with you, Hasben!

Hasben: No, Fluke. Your destiny lies along a different path. Besides, with your lack of ID, they wouldn't let you in anyway.

Daisa: Goodbye, wise ones. We'll miss you.

Hasben: Oh, do hold your tongue, Daisa. Your dignity act is getting on my nerves. (Daisa walks away with her tongue held between her thumb and forefinger. Hasben stares at her for a moment and continues.) Anyway, we're on stage with Dick Clark and Wayne Newton.

Fluke: (Awed) Wow…hey, Hasben, don't you have some things to give me?

Hasben: What? Oh yeah, that. (Pulls something out of his robe.) Fluke, this is your father's Ray of Light. Your father, Mannequin Flyswatter, was betrayed and murdered by Tater, the Phantom Dentist. 

Fluke: How does it work?

Hasben: Well, you push this little button and a ray of light comes out and you slice people with it. (Makes slicing noises) We're on a budget. Anyway, if you push this button on the side, this little speaker plays "Ray of Light" by Madonna. It automatically stuns everyone in a 10 mile radius. It's not very civilized, but it works and we use it. And this is my old uniform. You need this and a fake accent to get into the Denture Star.

Fluke: Thanks Hasben. Good luck in Vegas!

Daisa: Hey, Fluke, aren't we supposed to have mechanical help?

Director: (Stepping on scene) Oh, yeah. (Whistles at prop manager) Hey, Kyrie! Get those two weird British guys we found earlier! Put the tall one in tin foil and the short guy in the fancy trash can. 

Fluke: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Director: Guys, meet your new co-stars. Once I clear the set, action! (The two weird British guys also walk off, waiting for the cue.)

Daisa: (Woodenly) Fluke, where are your droids?

Fluke: Oh, right. Droids, these people are Han, Daisa and Crunchie. This is BJC-4100v3.1. He doubles as a printer, Swiss Army Knife, slicer, dicer, and can opener. The tall one is C-4PO. He doubles as an etiquette droid.

Fourpio: Sir, I _am_ an etiquette droid.

Fluke: Oh. Okay. Now that we're all introduced, let's search for Tater!

Daisa: Is that who we're looking for? Oh, sheesh, I know where he is! 

All except Daisa: What??!!

Daisa: I know where Tater is. He polished my teeth, put on caps and drilled when I was in the prisoner block of the Denture Star before Fluke broke me out.

Han: I _thought_ your teeth were unnaturally white.

Fluke: Okay, so now we know where Tater is. Do we have a ship…_Hannison_?

Han: (Cringes) Don't call me that! Only Nana calls me that. (Others snicker.) Hey! Look, this giant worm thing called Flabba has my ship. He's got a shop around here somewhere, so just let me reason out a deal. (Han turns corner, walks to a giant slug)

Flabba: Han, my bookie….

Han: STOP CALLING ME A BOOKIE!! IF YOU WANT A BOOKIE, TALK TO MANDO!!

Flabba: Sorry. Do you have the money?

Han: Yeah. Crunchie? (Crunchie hands Han a big load of money.) There. Every cent present and accounted for.

Flabba: Great. I had your ship put in a private warehouse of mine. It'll be about 4-6 weeks. 

Han: (Walks away grumbling)

Daisa: Uh-oh. That look's not good.

Han: No ship. My one and only, the _Eon Peregrine_, is stashed away in a rusty old warehouse of Flabba's! What good is a pirate without a ship? It's like…like…a poet without a Muse!

Daisa: Oh, Han! That's beautiful!

Han: I know. I read it in Dear Abby.

Flabba: Han my…boy! I made a miscalculation- the _Peregrine_ is here! You can have it!

Han: Yahooo! Let's go get Tater!

The _Eon Peregrine_, en route to the Denture Star 

Fluke: (Sarcastically) Boy Han, what a nice ship.

Daisa: (Picking dried cake off the wall) Yeah, _real_ nice. Just like a cruise.

Han: Hey, it's not _my_ fault if Flabba threw a party in here!

Fourpio: Sir, if we do indeed make it to the Denture Star, and not end up as free falling atoms in deep vacuum, what will we do about the Phlempire's assault troops, the Stormies? 

Han: (Shrugging) Hope they don't know how to work a door.

The Denture Star, some time later

Barf Tater: (Tater is a scrawny little guy dressed in black, with an oversized helmet with Peace stickers and smiley face patches on the back.) Attention all Stormies! You will report to the Dental Bridge at once! 

Commander Plaque: Sir, are you sure that is a wise move? With all due respect, what if the infiltrators who stole the readouts have sent a strike force and their force dresses like Stormies and pushes the Red Button and kill us all…

Tater: Someone get rid of Plaque. Lieutenant Mentadent, you are now in charge.  (Walks to a group of officers as Stormies drag Plaque away.) I sense something I only sensed when around Adobe-Tan…_yes_…stale Old Spice…that babbling old fool or his protégé must be around here somewhere… (Stops in front of Fluke.)

Fluke: (Chuckling nervously and disguised in Adobe-Tan's uniform that reeks of the stench.)  That's very funny, Mr. Tater. But, uh, I left the door to my quarters unlocked and I've got several priceless things in there, so if you'll excuse me…

Tater: Son??!! Is that you? It cannot be!

Fluke: Sorry. Wrong father/son duo. I'm Mannequin Flyswatter's boy, Fluke. But my best friend was left at birth by a guy wearing smiley face patches and a black helmet. But she might be another crazy megalomaniac's child, now that I think of it.

Tater: Mannequin Flyswatter! I remember him! We were at the same boarding school. He was okay, a little bit of a do-right, but was still tolerable. There was this one time that we snuck into the resident advisor's bathroom and stopped up the…

Mentadent: (Interrupting Tater) Sir, can you reminisce later? He's one of the Revolutionites. He's the enemy.

Tater: What? Oh, yeah. (Fearsome once more) Run for your life, Flyswatter! Even your pathetic SETI training cannot help you now!

Fluke: Wahhhhhh! This is so mortifying! Adobe-Tan, help me! 

Hasben: (Disembodied voice) Trust your instincts, Fluke.

Fluke: I can't tell what they are saying!

Hasben: Then _run_, blast it, _run_! Use your Ray of Light! (A pause) I'm transferring you to Coda. (A perky female voice announces "Welcome to the 'Voice of My Disembodied Old Master' Hotline! You will be transferred to an available assistant in the next few moments." Muzak plays and Fluke gets antsy.)

Fluke: (To Tater) Hold on just a sec, would you? Coda's got call waiting.

Tater: Since I knew your father, take your time.

Mentadent: Oh boy. 

The _Eon Peregrine_, at the same time 

Han: Boy, Fluke sure is taking a long time facing down Tater. Y'know, that SETI stuff is a hoaky religion that doesn't even make sense. (He takes on a weary tone, as though he's used to saying this.) One paradox after another, if you ask me.

Daisa: Han! Be quiet! They could hear you! (Points toward the ceiling)

Han: Who? Those old guys?

Daisa: They're powerful Masters!

Han: They're old guys doing bad impressions of Burt Bacharach! (Grinning) What, are you worried about me? 

Daisa: (Indignant) No! We just need someone to get us out of here, that's all!

Han: Speaking of getting out of here, what's your plan for that?

Daisa: We didn't have a plan. 

Han: You mean that no one is the ringleader of this Mickey Mouse outfit?

Daisa: (Just a little confused) Wouldn't that be Walt Disney?

Han: Boy, if the Phlempire doesn't get us first, the copyright infringement suits sure will!

The Dental Bridge 

Fluke: (Fluke has finally been taken off hold.) Master Coda! I'm facing down Tater, and I'm gonna get drilled! I don't know how work this Ray of Light!

Coda: What??!! Oh well. The diagram on the side you must follow. Forget your SETI training you must not! 

Fluke: This is not going to be a high point of my SETI career. 

Tater: (Checks his watch) Were you calling toll-free?

Fluke: Uh, no. They only do collect calls.

Tater: You tied up my line for thirty minutes for a ten-second pep talk?! (Whirls drills) And now, pathetic Flyswatter, meet my drills!

Fluke: (Takes up a defensive stance for a moment, then bolts and runs.) 

Tater: Get him and bring him back here! And round up his friends too!

Mentadent: Sir, how do we know where he went?

Tater: Follow the trail of Old Spice! I want that SETI knight, and I will finally be rid of my nemesises! Nemesises? Is that right? Nemesii? Nemesee? 

Mentadent: Nemesis, sir. If you are referring to Flyswatter or the SETI as one group. 

Tater: What if it's plural?

Mentadent: Then just say 'arch-rivals,' sir.

Tater: Yes. Very good, Mentadent. We will be revenged! (Starts laughing manically)

Mentadent: (Begins laughing too, but stops.) It's _avenged_, sir. _Revenge_ is an abstract noun, not a verb.

Tater: Oh, be quiet, you walking Roget.

Mentadent: (Waits a while.) Sir, Roget made a thesaurus. That's a book of synonyms. If you wanted to sarcastically imply that I know quite a bit about grammar and usage, you could have said, "Mr. Webster," or "Mr. Funk-and-Wagnall."

Tater: (Annoyed) Just…go find that SETI knight!!! And bring him back here! And bring some air freshener while you're at it!

OK, time for fun disclaimer stuff. I own the original characters and the plot. Everything else does not, I repeat _does not_, belong to me. There. Happy?  J

This was written as an Episode I teaser/motivator for an old club I was in (This was for you, CMSE Rogues!) Originally written in 1998, modified in 1999, re-written in 2002. Next part will be soon. This is part one, chapter one of a three chapter series.


End file.
